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It’s easy for romance to take a backseat as we navigate the complexities of life in our later years.
Familiarity, life changes, and diminished confidence can all impact our relationships.
“When we live with people for a long time, there’s a lot of repetition,” says Susie Masterson, a BACP registered relationship therapist and coach.
“If [familiarity] doesn’t breed contempt, it can certainly breed disillusionment. It can take the shine off our relationship.”
Life’s changes, such as health issues, can also affect our self-image, making it “very difficult to feel sexy and desirable”, Ms Masterson says.
However, reigniting the spark is possible.
Here are Ms Masterson’s tips for rekindling romance in later life.
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Living with someone for a long time can ‘take the shine off’ a relationship
1. Spark curiosity
“Try and spark a curiosity together,” advises Ms Masterson.
“There’s all sorts of stuff online about love languages that you can learn about and there are also intimacy games which actually don’t have anything to do with sex.
“[Psychotherapist] Esther Perel has a card game which I often use with couples in a therapy setting, which asks questions like, ‘what’s your biggest regret, or what was the best time of your life? Or tell me something that makes you uncomfortable’.
“It’s more about igniting an emotional intimate connection, than a sexual one. I think that curiosity and that willingness to question each other is important, because often people will find out things that they didn’t know, that can actually spark a revived interest.”
2. Have a frank conversation about intimacy
“Say things like, ‘this isn’t working for me because…’ or ‘I would like more sex because…’” suggests Ms Masterson.
“Find some examples of when it was good between you, in a sort of positive coaching way, and say ‘I really missed this’ or ‘you’re great at doing that’ etc.
“Or you could say to your partner, ‘I’ve never done this before or I want to try something different, but I want to try it with you. Are you open to doing it with me?’ I think these questions very rarely get asked.”
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Talking openly about intimacy is key
3. Go for walks together
Sometimes having a conversation about your relationship during a walk, rather than in a high-pressure setting, can be more constructive and relaxed.
“There’s lots of research-backed papers around the what we call ‘parallel processing’,” notes Ms Masterson.
“When we’re walking, it’s a parallel movement.
“We’re moving in alternate weight, that can help us process and can help us feel freer in what we’re talking about and lower our stress levels. But also not making eye contact can be really helpful.”
4. Instigate touch throughout the day
“Touch is a really important thing, it’s also a really difficult thing for some people,” says Ms Masterson.
“You can even say, ‘look, I’d really appreciate a hug. How do you feel about doing that?’
“But it can even be just a touch on the back or a touch on the arm, where if you continuously do it, you start to actually regress a little bit and your brain goes back to remembering the first time that we were touched as infants, and that was both comforting and nourishing.
“It’s about little baby steps to increasing the amount of touch that you have with your partner, and doing that on a consistent level.”
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Going for a walk together can make the conversation more relaxed (AP)
5. Compliment your partner
“Show signs of appreciation to start to build up the confidence of the other person,” advises Ms Masterson.
“Notice and comment on things like ‘you smell good today’, and bring out the bits that you appreciate in the other person, and deliberately, consciously practise and cultivate that.”
6. Try something new together
“Starting something new shows renewed investment,” says Ms Masterson. “It says, ‘you matter. I matter, this relationship matters and we’re willing to experiment’.
“It could be that you take up squash and you’re both hopeless. But remember that it’s the trying that was important, rather than a particular outcome. I think it’s really important for people to try and find new ways to invest in the relationship.”
7. Schedule in one-on-one time
“Schedule time to have a conversation,” suggests Ms Masterson.
“It could be that you put in your phone that every Sunday you agree to check in, and then from that, scheduling probably happens in a lot more freer way. It’s just about making sure that you continuously review the relationship.”
8. Reminisce
“Try to reminisce if there are things that you would like to bring back into your relationship,” recommends Ms Masterson.
“Because if you’re talking about something that’s already happened between the two of you, that’s going to seem a lot more achievable to potentially reignite.”
